Pain Bonuses: why do we need suffering?

People who write me messages often want to get guarantees that "everything will be fine." It is for this "good" that they need someone who is ready to share life with them "for better or for worse." Although everyone knows from the experience of personal disappointments that it can hurt again. Sometimes it is unbearable — to the point of wanting to commit suicide, sometimes — to the end of life alone.

Why do you have to endure such suffering "just" because of saying goodbye to another person whom you may have known for at most a few years? Or, perhaps, they lived together for decades, but were constantly dissatisfied with each other. There are many options for living together and parting, but only the pain is similar in components.

Many stereotypes in behavior, in decision-making, in relationships with other people are formed precisely on the basis of successful and unsuccessful love experiences. This is logical, because during their life with another person, both participants develop common habits. Everything is here together — sex, food, sleep, walk, and watch. There is a germination into each other at the levels of biological needs.

Shared satisfaction

The partner satisfies requests for sexual need (sex), hierarchical need (admiration, reverence, respect), social need (whatever happens in the world, the two of us are against everyone). Shopping together, eating together, traveling together — to friends or on vacation — satisfying the need for novelty, saturating the center of curiosity. Therefore, when a period of temporary separation or separation "forever" comes, the brain has to break many connections between neurons so that the figure of a loved one leaves the inner space — removed from the default brain system. I remind you that this is a neural network with images of familiar people with whom we communicate through an internal dialogue. In the material The label of the hero and the paradox of suffering you can read about the default system in more detail.

It is very difficult to break neural connections: the person with whom you are used to falling asleep and waking up penetrates into all spheres of activity. With a temporary separation, you just feel an extraordinary attraction to be together, even if you practice violence in a clash of characters in your life together. And with divorce comes a true crisis. Hormones are raging, and neurons are screaming: "Return immediately!".

Whatever you think about, you remember doing it together. Every time a dynamic stereotype is triggered — a conditioned reflex reaction developed through repeated repetitions. This is called a habit — this is called an addiction. And it doesn't matter from what — from a mobile phone, from sweets, from drugs, from alcohol, from the image of a former partner — this is addiction.

Any addiction is the work of a dynamic stereotype, along with memories that return to the happy moments of the past. And this means they have dopamine reinforcement in the brain. Note that not very happy moments somehow quickly become insignificant...

The brain always releases a portion of dopamine when some action has brought you joy. This is how you remember what you like and dislike. The brain also reacts to the satisfaction of basic needs — sex and food bring pleasure. Sex and eating with a loved one bring the highest level of enjoyment, because they hit the basic priorities of survival.

Body memory

In addition to the obvious neurophysiological and hormonal processes, there are also not obvious ones, but known at the level of the most powerful sensations. The mental pain that corrodes the body, does not allow you to think, does not allow you to move, does not allow you to make a final decision. Yes, it does not seem to you that you are slowly dying of pain. The other person has become a part of you. After the breakup, you consciously try to kill this "essence" in yourself. And it's much more painful than severing neural connections.

In addition to the usual memory departments in the brain, there is also the memory of the physical body. This memory consists of tenderness — touches, hugs, kisses, intimacy. This is a really terrible test — to get rid of the memory of the body. It usually dissolves within a year. But in many cases, a person can suffer much more — from three to seven years. Or for the rest of his life, if he buried a loved one. This happens if the partners were extremely close at all levels of interaction: physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. Very rare. And a great Gift.

Dependence on the past

Dependence on a departed person is a short joy and a long pain. The joy of memories, hopes, emotions. The pain is from the inability to receive, return, finish, hug. To consciously get rid of pain, new actions with new dopamine reinforcement are needed — actions that form new pleasure-related habits. An important note is that actions during the rehabilitation period after a breakup should be directed solely at themselves.

Going to the gym and exercising the physical body is welcome. As my friend says: "The barbell relieves many psychological problems." Going to the club, drinking, whining and looking for a new partner is strictly prohibited! Because you — with your devastated state — will attract the same painful and grieving loneliness as yourself. This is not intimacy. It's to hide from reality. It's drinking with someone so you don't have to be alone. It's a little bit to restore self—esteem — "someone needs me." This is a search for someone else's warmth, which will turn into a cold inside. This is fear. Therefore, this strategy of getting out of suffering leads to even more suffering.

Many people try to plug the emptiness in their soul by actively sleeping with everyone. This is a stupid approach to life. You will compare and tell yourself every time: "It's not him," "It's not her." And you will be even more drawn back to the past. And the previous partner will begin to idealize.

You will forget all its irregularities and roughness and begin to create an idol: "Oh, he is the best / the best! Oh, this is my destiny! Oh, I'll forgive everything!" And then there are frantic calls to God, Fate, the Universe to return a loved one for any fee. I emphasize that this is exactly what you usually ask for — "return for any fee." The human ego beautifully calls this state of pain: "I'll give it all away." And...

Sometimes a partner returns, and promises are forgotten. But invariably, my favorite heading "the years have passed" comes along — and you have to pay. And it is at those moments when you no longer expect it. If I give it all, then you will give it back. But not all of them... Let me remind you that you don't have anything that would be interesting to a quantum System until you The master of mindfulness. But you always have the "most expensive" — what currently constitutes the "meaning of life", what you are stuck in with your whole being, what the flow of your energy is directed at.

The reward will come years later, when you have already forgotten what you asked for and what you promised for it.

The power of prayer works at the peak of emotions, so I insist — do not invent images of the future and do not ask for anything in a state of pain!

A partner who is not meant for you, but who is attracted back by you by "ignorant magic", eventually loses its unattainable value and becomes a familiar trophy won. It no longer has its former greatness. The idol is overthrown. Other values took its place. So you have to give them away. And here it is necessary to have time to react adequately...

Pain Bonuses

To consciously endure pain for the sake of the future... For the sake of the best that is possible for you on this planet and in this life. This is the most difficult test of Fate. Although, it would seem, well, what could be easier? Well, it's a pity for her: immediately give everyone a "true love". And we would have saved so much time by removing these constant searches from our lives. No. It's not easier...

People don't appreciate what comes easy. They just don't know how. As they do not appreciate the lightness of breathing... And only when it is not enough, they begin to realize the importance of what they are losing.

The most effective learning system for all mankind is getting rid of bindings to material objects. And at the same time creating the value of time spent with a Person. With a person, not with a sexual object. With A Loved One.

In addition, there is another bonus...

The pain after parting can be of such intensity that it is akin to the feeling of death. And people feel it in every cell. In these moments, they are not afraid of real death. And they often ask for it. This is a tough way to get rid of all fears and stereotypes of thinking.

They ask for death. They're crying. They reach the bottom of despair. And then they rise strong and inspired, as after diving into an ice hole.

If a person has passed the period of suffering with dignity and has not become a "victim of circumstances", then his potential increases enormously. Pain leaves an empty space behind, and the energy of the future enters the body unhindered. This is where the intensive expansion of perception is taking place: significant projects are being created, fateful meetings are taking place, breakthroughs in science are being made, new opportunities are opening up and, of course, miracles are happening.

It's all fair: You have managed to accept the pain and give up past desires in order to get what you could not even dream of. Fate always rewards those who know how to give.