Freedom of choice: is loving right or effective?

The girl sent two stories to the site and asked to analyze the behavior of men in these situations.

The first situation

A man in his early forties, married, two children. He worked abroad for a long time to pay off loans for an apartment and for the treatment of his wife, whom he loved very much. He met another woman who "blew his mind" (he never cheated on his wife). They did not become lovers, as the girl was looking for a serious relationship, not the role of a mistress. Nevertheless, they became friends: the tenderness and sympathy were mutual, even without sex. This went on for about a year. Then they separated. Everyone returned to their country.

Time has passed... A man writes a declaration of love to a girl, emphasizing that he misses her, and that the time spent with her abroad was the best in his life. Although at the same time he continues to be an honest husband and a caring father. And the girl reads the messages, smiles and.. She continues to wait for a meeting with her future lover.

The second situation

Male, 35 years old, married, child. I have been improving my skills in another city for several years. I visited my family every weekend. Unexpectedly, he fell in love with a young teacher.

When he confessed his feelings to her, she replied that she would have nothing to do with "married people." He thought for a while, and then got divorced and came to the girl saying that he was free now. Despite the fact that the girl was not ready for such a turn of events, she agreed to give him a chance.

Time has passed... They have been happily married for more than six years, are raising a daughter, are planning a second child, are going to move to a new apartment and are thinking about building a summer cottage.

Speaking from the point of view of "public opinion", the first man did the right thing: he stayed in the family with his wife, to whom he made a promise at the registry office, and the second — a goat, left his wife and child for another.

Question: which of these men did the right thing for their destiny?

The answer "right" or "wrong" will not be correct in this case. Each of these men took advantage of the right to freedom of choice. They both did the "right thing", i.e. the way they wanted to. The first man decided to be right, the second man decided to be happy.

Based on personal practice, I will say that for me there is only one effective development of destiny — it is happiness. And all the "right" or "wrong" options are just excuses for people who did not take advantage of the given chances.

Unfortunately, there are a huge number of such cases. And the pain of an unused chance in a person does not run out. No, this is not an acute pain, as when parting with a loved one. It's such a nasty nagging feeling of loss. Because everything that you are knows that opportunities do not repeat themselves. And the stories from the TV series about how lovers meet after many years and "everything is fine" ends are exceptions that fall within the framework of the law. And God forbid you to check this on your fate, because such "exceptions" are earned by an incredible amount of suffering. And that's how a new opportunity is given. The one that you once refused yourself...

The rule is the same: opportunities do not repeat themselves. There is an explanation: in the fate of every person, non-actions are counted as actions. When you don't do something in the hope that it "resolves itself", this non-doing is evaluated as a choice.

Consider the first story. Is a man behaving correctly from the point of view of social logic? Yes.

From the point of view of "non-human logic" — this man proves by his actions that he no longer loves his wife. Any woman feels when her feelings are not appreciated, and begins to wither like a flower that is not watered. If the situation lasts for a long time, then this non-love leads a woman to diseases. Does his wife want to get a chronic disease through her husband?.. no. It is unlikely that women dream of such a fate when they get married.

What else is "wrong" with this "right" man? He influences the fate of his wife: living with her without love, he deprives her of the opportunity to meet another man, fall in love with him and live happily. It is the sacred right of every human being to be happy.

And... If only it reflected only on him. The retribution for his lack of love for his wife will be extended to his children. With his non-love for their mother, He deprives the children of the blessing of a happy family life. Attention! The man has already changed the fate of three people.

Such an effect on fate, whether in knowledge or ignorance, is equated with magic.

...Such righteous men and women have repeatedly come to my office. And I heard the usual lamentations: "How to live? I love another person, but I'm so good, so I won't leave the one I live with. Ay—ay—ay! You see, I'm so right! I'm suffering so much! This is my cross/This is my karma!"

My answers vary from the degree of "goodness" of the person sitting opposite, but in general the direction is: "What are you doing, you little bastard? It's your phenomenal selfishness to talk about leaving someone... The person you live with doesn't belong to you. And his fate is not your toy to deprive him of love. The love he can get without you. And he'll get it without you. And the main intention is to wish your companion to meet love. That's the only important decision in your selfish life, and not this sad whining about how great you are."

Wish as much as possible for the other what you would like to get yourself.

In the first story, it is also "annoying" that the man is still harassing the girl he met abroad. It means that he doubts his choice. Doubts about the "correctness" of the decision are no longer happiness. And not happiness not only for him, but also for his wife, whom he did not change physically, but betrayed quite logically.

I want to draw attention to the word "logically"... Men choose love quite logically. It is a woman's prerogative to fall in love many times "immediately and forever", because it is girls of "all ages" who build a picture of the world in their imagination based on emotions. Most men don't know that. They have been thinking about their decision to "be together" for so long and carefully that it is better for women not to even know what parameters are used to evaluate their qualities. I'm not talking about fast testosterone-based connections. By the way, this is also not an emotional reaction of a man, but a hormonal one.

Therefore, the man quite logically considered his decision to write to the girl he chose as an unattainable muse. Now think about it, why is he sending her text messages? And how do these actions happen? Naturally, the "faithful husband" communicates with his wife, then, hiding in the bathroom or in the toilet, stealthily writes to another about love. Thus, he "warms up" his feelings and goes back to his wife. And to bed, too.

He betrays both women at once, because he has already betrayed himself. He needs a distant lover as a chance that he himself rejected.

What does he want to hear from her in response? In his fantasies, it sounds something like this: "Yes, my love, it was the best year of my life. I understand your choice. You're a hero. Of course, live with your wife, and I will wait endlessly. You can always come to me... Especially if your wife „accidentally“ leaves you." A man wants to use the emotions of a girl, to make her a springboard for his "conditionally happy life", which exists only in his imagination.

Such men are quite predictable in further messages: "And maybe someday, dear, we will succeed. And we will be together." And then they always twist something banal about fate, they remember "how happy we were, how sincerely we loved.".. And then there is a series of SMS messages about the fact that now we cannot be together, that it is his duty to live with his family, that he is an honest man... Etc., depending on the vocabulary.

If he had just broken up with the girl, thanked her for her friendship, returned to his wife and did not bother the girl anymore, then it would have been a different story. And so — unfortunately — this is a story about the betrayal of the "right" man by women who trust him.

Therefore, disconnect such people — regardless of gender — from your destiny immediately and forever.

The second man acted effectively for his fate, because "they are happily married." Two people live in love. These people are happy as parents, so their child (and future child) are already blessed with a happy life. The fate of children often repeats the fate of their parents. Sometimes mathematically accurate, sometimes with deviations, but the general orientation remains.

Of course, breakups are always painful. But you need to be honest with the person who was with you. To betray in thought is also a betrayal.

It often happens that people have to meet for a certain time to end a relationship that stretches back from the "distant past". So they completed them for some period of living together and have to separate. That's it. It's finished. It's been worked out. Made by.

And it's great! Because with any breakup, new opportunities open up. But there is a caveat. It is not always possible to meet a loved one quickly. In many cases, you need to wait...

You can read about why it is logical to wait for a meeting with a loved one in the material How to meet your man?.